Don't Forget Singing the Bee Lyrics!

We've seen this before. Armageddon vs. Deep Impact. Volcano vs. Dante's Peak. Antz vs. A Bug's Life. Two movies, two studios, one plot. This time, strangely, it's not dueling asteroid or eruption or insect flicks, it's two competing karaoke shows. I guess it's not shocking, given the success of stuff like Dance Dance Revolution, Guitar Hero, American Idol, etc. What is surprising is that one of them doesn't suck out loud. Read on to find out which one.

The Singing Bee is on NBC, and hosted by former N'Sync-er and Dancer with the Stars, the unfortunately named Joey Fat One. The second he frantically ran-danced through the aisles, randomly picking singers from the crowd, it was as if I could hear the bow of the ship scraping against an iceberg. The show is an abject disaster, highlighted (if only briefly) by the fact that the scantily clad backup dancers are called The Honey Bees and are dressed like... honeybees:
The flow of the show is that several audience members are called up on stage where they, along with Joey Fat One, sort of pseudo-dance to the everpresent music. The house band, featuring a variety of brutal cover singers, launches into a song and the contests must complete the lyrics. The second they make a misstep, a loud buzzer sounds and Joey Fat One smiles. They keep doing this to whittle it down, and the last singer standing wins some incredibly small cash prize. It feels like a particularly bad Saturday Night Live sketch.

Don't Forget the Lyrics, while unoriginal on several levels, is actually the better of the two. Altho it feels like a rushed ripoff of Singing Bee's karaoke concept with a title that's, oh, a bit too on the nose, they smartly "borrowed" Who Wants to Be a Millionaire's format. Instead of a cavalcade of hacks, we track the progress of one singer as he or she butchers several songs en route to a million dollar prize. Wayne Brady makes a great Regis, there are three similar lifelines, etc... it's basically the same show, set to music.

But honestly, it's harmless fun. Certainly not high art, not exactly appointment viewing, but worth a watch and worlds better than, well... The Singing Bee ;)

Improved with Age or Just Old?

While I technically grew up in the 70s, that wave of nostalgia meant nothing to me, as I wasn't really into pop culture things at 8, when they ended. I suppose if, instead of flared jeans, people had gotten back into Garanimals, I'd've been all over it. But really, I'm a child of the 80s.

Two relics of that era, Optimus Prime and John McClane have bashed their way back onto the big screen – how do they hold up? First, Transformers. Unfortunately, this is a bit like discovering a slice of limburger that you left in your toy chest 20 years ago. Full disclosure – I read the script for this a year and a half ago, so some of the issues weren't a big surprise. Also, I saw a screening about a week ago, but didn't want to run afoul of NDAs and such. Because what I would have posted is that this was a mess.

I used to consider myself a shameless Michael Bay fan, but over time I've realized that it really means I just liked Armageddeon. He puts big robots on the screen pretty well in this one, but everything else is a disaster. The plot has holes you could drive an Optimus Prime-size semi thru, most of the performances (particularly Jons Voight and Tuturro) are abysmal, and the pacing drags on and on. At some point, someone will rip the fight scenes off the DVD – that's worth a watch, but otherwise... not so much. Live Free or Die Hard, however, is a pleasant surprise. It doesn't really feel like "a Die Hard movie," in that he's not trapped alone in a building – it's more like Die Hard with a Vengeance in that Bruce Willis (with sidekick) are thrown together in a sprawling adventure. Full disclosure #2: I saw this movie at the end of what friends and I called "DH-Day," where we watched the first three movies before wrapping up the evening with number four.

Yippee-ki-yay.

But here's the thing – part four is fun. McClane has aged well, and they've acknowledged the fact that he's not twenty years younger. Justin Long as the hapazard associate is funny without being Richard Pryor in Superman III. The (mostly practical) stunts are spectacular, even tho they start to strain credibility pretty quickly. For sequels like these, much of their job is just to not piss all over the franchise, and never fear – this isn't Blues Brothers 2000 or Phantom Menace. It's a solid shot of old-school adrenaline that's definitely worth a watch.

Best. Five. Seconds. Ever.

I'm not the biggest "check out this funny link" guy in the world, but... check out this funny link.

Tagged by a Tough One

Well, not Valerie, who did the actual tagging, but the tag itself – list your favorite movies. Traditionally, I get all film geek at this question, insisting that I can't compare apples to oranges, that I'll only pick the top films of a specific genre, blah blah blah. Rather than belabor you with a ton of internal deliberation, I'll just go with gut responses (and photos ;) So this is isn't well considered, it's prolly not too accurate, but I'll count down my five regardless:
#5: The Matrix. The first one. Every so often, I make a concerted effort to pretend the sequels never existed, dig out the DVD and am surprised at how fantastic this flick still is. While bullet time has lost some of its gee-whiz appeal, the movie itself hasn't lost a bit of its power. From the "he's beginning to believe" moment when Neo wrangles the helicopter on, this one's still a killer.

#4: Scream Trilogy. Speaking of killers, my favorite horror series makes the list. The pop culture parts are less relevant now, and the meta-appeal of characters being aware of the film versions of their peril has now been overdone, but at the time, Scream was like that shot of adrenaline plunged into Uma Thurman's chest in Pulp Fiction. Set the (fairly stupid) horror industry on its ear, turning what's traditionally an exercise in exploitation into a hyper-literate whodunit... and kept the momentum thru two remarkably solid sequels.

#3: Empire Strikes Back. Another exercise in pretending a certain section of the saga doesn't exists (the prequels instead of the sequels), but if you can forget Teenakin and the Jar-Jars remember how big a deal it was when Darth Vader said "I am your father." It's become kind of cliche to say that Empire's the best of the Star Wars saga, but watch it again – it's an incredible mix of action and emotion, pyrotechnics and pathos.
#2: Raiders of the Lost Ark. I almost went with another "whole saga" vote here, but a) Temple of Doom, while not as bad as I originally remembered, still ain't great and b) dunno how Part IV will turn out... yet. Last Crusade was a fantastic return to form – but the form was founded with Raiders. It's Lucas doing what he does well (story, not script), Spielberg at his absolute best and Harrison Ford before he started making stuff like Firewall. An absolutely perfect adventure.

#1. The Lord of the Rings. Yes, the Extended Editions and yes, the whole damn thing, as I consider it one twelve-hour movie. One can quibbles with a few details and someone will eventually surpass the special effects, but for raw grandeur and sheer spectacular emotion, it can't be beat. I have, on occasion, sat and watched all three extended edition DVDs in a row – it's a hell of a day. Confession: I got a little teary the first time I saw Rivendell. Anyway, the most impressive example of consistent filmmaking vision I know.

Some honorable mentions that occurred along the way: Back to the Future Trilogy, particularly Part II, which I think is beyond brilliant. The New Jersey Trilogy consisting of Clerks, Chasing Amy and Clerks II (ignore Mallrats and Jay & Silent Bob, etc.) And can't forget the two great two-letter sequels, T2 and X2.

Frank and Chris, you're it. Everyone else – thoughts?

Superheroes Suit Me

Ok, lemme preface this by saying I'm a Batman guy. I don't read him consistently anymore (have gotten a little more Marvel than DC), but how can one argue with a man driven half (at least) insane by blind rage, keeping himself going only by waging an endless, unwinnable revenge quest to strike holy terror into the black hearts of evil criminals? Don Quixote, my ass. Plus, Catwoman. C'mon.

And I loved Batman Begins. It regularly shoots out for Best Superhero Movie with X2, the most recently viewed generally being on top. So I'm biased. That said, WB released a promo image of the new Batsuit, and while I'm well aware of the perils of commenting on still shots of costumes (remember how terrible the X-Men looked? and how great Superman looked? Whoops.) prior to seeing them onscreen, I'm gonna take a shot regardless. And I'm gonna do it without resorting to any of that "Holy Insert Pun Here" Adam West/Burt Ward nonsense that still haunts my dreams. So click the pic for a bigger shot and read on.

Given that trying to leverage the cloth comic look would land us squarely in the Christopher Reeve camp, I think they've done a fantastic job with this costume. It fits with the design ethic of military suit parts put to another use, much like the Batmobile (I'm not sold on the Batpod, but that's another post). Plus, it doesn't have a big yellow target in the center or nipples. More detail...

Things I like:

• Multiple pieces in the cowl means Batman can finally turn his head. The world's greatest crimefighter goes through life with about a 30 degree cone of vision? Um, no. "Hey, criminal cohorts – I've figured out how we can finally defeat our mortal enemy... approach him from the side!"
  
• Spikes on his arms are retractable. Otherwise he'd have a hard time fitting thru doors and alleys.
• It looks like armor that goes over his muscles, not armor that's made of muscles.
• He's standing – and denting – on a police car. 9-1-1- is a joke in Gotham, too! Take that, 5-0!
  

Things I don't like:

• The utility belt's still strangely gold and a little crotchy. Yes, we can assume Batman's packing a high-caliber weapon down south. Move on.
• Ears are still too big. It's as if some D-girl keeps saying "But people won't understand that he's a Bat, man." They look slightly streamlined, but should be more like short nubs. Better balance.
• Wish the cape was bigger/cooler. Supposedly it's got some powers of its own, but it should be almost a living extension of his hate and rage. Not like Christian Bale tied a towel around his neck.

Overall I'm good with it. And having gotten a fairly detailed script synopsis a few months ago, I'm fairly confident that the flick will rock. For now, I believe in Harvey Dent.

Fant-eh-stic Bore, Too

The first Fantastic Four flick certainly didn't live up to its title. This one's a bit better, altho I dunno if they're gonna get to the point where they have to consider what to name Fantastic Four... IV.

Anyway, the reason this one succeeds slightly is that it's freed from the burden of exposition. We know who the Four are, we know what Fantastic things they can do, so it's good to see them just do it. Human Torch's fire effects seem to have improved, and they had a bit more fun with Mr. Fantastic's stretchability, but The Thing still looks and acts like... a guy in a rubber rock suit. Jessica Alba's basically her own special effect, altho they do saddle her (not as fun as it sounds) with a weird wig/dye job and bizarrely blue contacts.

The new wrinkle this time is the arrival of the Silver Surfer, who looks like the morphy T-1000 from Terminator 2... on a surfboard. He works for Galactus, the Destroyer of Worlds, who sends the Surfer to scout out worlds for him to, well, destroy. In the comics, Galactus is a really big guy who actually eats planets. The movie shows him as an indistinct cloud that engulfs Earth. I get that a giant in a pink hat eating the world prolly doesn't work well on film but a big cloud is still basically a big cloud.

There's a lot of hand-wringing about Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman's wedding, proving that no action movie can exist without cliched character drama. There's a hardass army general, proving that a moral compass or common sense don't appear on any recruiting (or Central Casting) form. There's Dr. Doom again, proving that Hollywood still wants more villains so they can sell more action figures. There's the second Stan Lee cameo of the summer, proving that we should stop paying him homage. And the whole thing feels really poorly paced, proving that director Tim Story is a Chris Columbus-level hack.

What works? The races and chases with the Surfer are fun. Chris Evans highlights the film again as Johnny Storm. His banter with Ben Grimm is amusing. And it's short.

Should you go? Dunno. If you're a big Fantastic Four fan, you'll likely be both pleased and pissed as it gets as many notes wrong as it does right. If you're not, you'll likely slot it in somewhere between Daredevil and Ghost Rider in terms of iffy superhero movies. If you're a kid, you'll likely enjoy it, altho you're also not likely reading this. So overall, prolly not – Netflix The Incredibles instead.

13th Time's a Charm

Ok, just to clear the air – I was "in" for Ocean's 11, and thought the only real problem with 12 was that it wasn't called Ocean's Dozen. The Julia Roberts mistaken identity stuff was a bit misguided, and the whole thing smacked a bit of having been dreamed up over too much vino on Clooney's Lake Como veranda, but still – harmless.

Regardless of how far 12 fell from the tree, 13 is a refreshing return to form. There's little to no unnecessary exposition (the line "it's not their fight" explains why Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones are absent) and the reason for being is simple and fun – revenge. Al Pacino, an evil casino owner (are there good ones?) named Bank, gypped the crew's mentor out of money and the shock drove him to the hospital. The gang comes up with a plan to bankrupt Bank and bury his opening night gala.

And... that's it. The rest of the flick follows the ups and downs of getting it done. The scheme is brilliant, it's shot with style, and this time the cast lets you in on the fun. It's not high art - if caper movies do nothing for you, this ain't gonna change your mind. But if the idea of watching a bunch of supercool guys pull a supercool scheme, all the while acting... supercool, then there are way worse ways to spend ten bucks and two hours.