There are no jingle bells, Batman doesn't smell...

...and fortunately Robin's barely in picture. Regardless , I'm off for the holidays – hope you all have good ones.

Remake or Not To Make?

As with most questions, the answer is yes and no. Or no and yes, in this case. Recently they (as in "they," the nefarious group that lives in shadows and is blameable for anything and/or everything) announced plans to remake both Romancing the Stone and They Live. I don't adopt the zero-tolerance policy for remakes that many do, but I am tiring of mining recent movies for inspiration. Here's the thing – to remake a movie, you've got to have a better reason than the inability to come up with a fresh idea.

And it helps if the original film wasn't all that great. Case in point: there's absolutely nothing missing in Romancing the Stone. Yes, the cars look all boxy and they don't have cell phones, but most of that movie is set in the jungle – it's not like what would've really made it great were more flat screens. Leave it alone, it's fine. Bring out an anniversary edition on blu-ray if you like. Enjoy.

They Live, however, is a perfect candidate. Apologies to Rowdy Roddy Piper fans (or, um, fan?) out there, but the movie is basically a neat idea, horrible one-liners and the longest, boringist fight scene in recent memory. John Carpenter's made some masterpieces, but this ain't one of 'em. So if JJ Abrams or whoever wants to polish up this misfire, I'm all for it... because it'd be fixing a failed film, not trying to recapture a recent success.

So, "they," stick with your substandard science fiction films and leave Romancing the Stone alone. And as for other upcoming remakes, namely Red Dawn, Clash of the Titans, Adventures in Babysitting, Robocop, A Nightmare of Elm Street, Friday the 13th, The Karate Kid, Weird Science, Arthur, Footloose, Flashdance and The Thing, I'd say... sure, sure, I guess, no, if you want, don't bother, prolly not, no, whatev, ok, already did and no.

Better Late... with Whoever

Despite over a decade of remixing and mocking, Guns n' Roses (which basically amounts to Axl Rose, a bunch of guys, and a million Pro Tools) finally released Chinese Democracy... The Offspring, China, Dr. Pepper and an oddly placed apostrophe be damned.

So Buckethead's been replaced by Bumblefoot, but how's the record overall? While I'm certainly not the final word on most music, I did wait in line outside Tower Records in Hollywood to buy Use Your Illusion I & II at midnight, so I'm feeling free to weigh in. What follows is the first thought that popped into my head upon hearing the disc (by which I mean iTunes downloads) for the first time:

Chinese Democracy
Opening guitar riff sounds an awful like a Judas Priest song... oop, Axl's screaming – I guess it is Guns.

Shackler's Revenge
Really good for both guitar and bass in Rock Band... not so much with the vocals.

Better
Hmm... kinda forgettable metal – listeners beware.

Street of Dreams
Pretty good. Sorta like if both versions of Don't Cry had a kid.

If the World
Sounds a bit like Axl wrote this while listening to Yesterdays and watching porn.

There Was a Time
I think G n' R has basically become a power ballad band – not that that's a bad thing.

Catcher in the Rye
aka November Rainstorm?

Scraped
Interesting Axl screamy harmony with himself... then some mishmosh about don't try to stop us now. Whatev.

Riad N' the Bedouins
Just reading the title sets the expectations for this one at "spectacular failure," and it delivers pretty quickly – Axl opens by screeching that he doesn't care about the story and guess what? Neither do I.

Sorry
Sounds like Axl's sorry he's not Everlast.

I.R.S.
Lines like "could it be the weight I've carried on, like a broken record for so long" are kind of apropos at this point in the album – oh, and the IRS isn't exactly the toughest target in the world.

Madagascar
Not, apparently, that "move it move it" song from the kids' movie – too bad. And a Martin Luther King "I have a dream" megamix? Seriously?

This I Love
Civil War part II – this time it's personal. Down to the "failure to communicate" clip.

Prostitute
Jesus, lighten up – way to go out on a high note. And haven't we heard this song already?


So how's it stack up overall? Ok, I guess. It's not the complete disaster (or no-show) that people predicted, but it's certainly not the next great anything. If you're looking to cherry pick, download Shackler's Revenge, Street of Dreams and Catcher in the Rye and you'll be good. Those are the standouts – as an album, it's inoffensive but inessential.

Is Jack really back?

Day 1: "You probably don't think I could force this towel down your throat, but trust me I can. All the way. Except that I'd hold onto this little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest the towel, I pull it out. Taking your stomach lining with it. Most people probably take about a week to die. It's very painful. "

Day 2: "I'm gonna need a hacksaw."

Day 3: "Once your daughter is infected, I'm gonna make you watch her die."

Day 4: "Make a sound and I will blow your brains out all over the windshield."

Day 5: "I’m done talking with you, you understand me? You’ve read my file. The first thing I’m going to do is take out your right eye, and then I’m gonna move over and take out your left, and then I’m going to cut you. I’m gonna keep cutting you until you give me the information that I need. Do you understand me? So for the last time, where is the nerve gas?"

Day 6: "You’re gonna tell me what I want to know or you’re going to start losing your fingers one by one."

Day 7: "Come on, children... everybody hold hands!"


Brings to mind that old nursery rhyme, "one of these things is not like the other." Last night's 2-hour ramp-up to the January premiere of 24 stood out from the rest of the seasons, not just because it strayed a bit from format, but in its efforts to establish a kindler, gentler Jack Bauer.

After wandering the globe, Jack has settled in fictional (but typical) Sangala, Africa, working to help relief efforts for a village beset by tribal militia. Refusing a summons to appear in America to answer for torture and other crimes committed by his Counter Terrorist Unit, he smiles at children and unloads supplies from trucks. At some point the militia moves to take control of the country, and Jack walks away for two hours. In classic 24 fashion, this action is cross-cut with the balls-to-the-wall thrillride of... a Presidential inaguration.

Don't get me wrong, there's some action and intrigue – Jack shoots some people and there're some fishy guys floating around the new President's cabinet. But 24 works best as an unhinged freefall thru a shadowy world of shifting loyalties and moralities, and it's hard to find a lot of debateable gray area when the bad guys are African drug-runners killing kids or turning them into child soldiers. And I'm not a big torture whore, but the appeal of Jack Bauer is living vicariously thru his whatever-it-takes worldview, so when the first conflict of the show is watching Jack gently reprimand a child for stealing his knife by giving him a silk scarf, it's clear we're in a bit of trouble.

24: Redemption wasn't a disaster, but it's "Jack's Back!" marketing did it no favors. Some seeds were sown for what looks to be an interesting season, but two hours of Bauer slowly leading kids thru a forest isn't quite what fans have been waiting for... for nearly two years. That said, the preview for Day 7 was packed with action, so this little slice of Madagascar 3 feels like the calm before the storm. Worth watching if you're a completist, but casual fans can make do with the "previously on" montage that'll open the season in January.

The Bond Continuum

You'd be forgiven if you got your Bonds and your Bournes a bit mixed up – 007's recent reboot owes a lot to the films from Doug Liman and Paul Greengrass. But that's proving to be a good thing, as the first two "James Blond" flicks have been a satifying one-two punch. For the first time in the franchise's history, Quantum of Solace is a direct sequel as opposed to just a "next adventure," picking up moments after Daniel Craig uttered the classic "Bond – James Bond" line at the end of Casino Royale. And it's good. Quite good.

Roiling with rage over the events from Royale, Bond embarks on an unhinged quest for revenge, going up against a mysterious criminal organization as well as MI6 itself. Much has been made of a big falloff in quality, but I've gotta disagree – It's perhaps not quite as skillfully directed, I think the only really big thing that's missing is the novelty of the new Bond. I watched them back-to-back and Quantum really feels like the second half of Casino. Craig's in top form, the action is intense (only one set piece – an airplane chase – is slightly misguided) and the plot, while byzantine, is nicely grounded in real world issues. And the moves manage to toss in references without descending into jokey parody; keep an eye out for a great Goldfinger shout-out.

I'm not pretending it's perfect – the "Bond Girls" feel somewhat tacked-on for tradition's sake, and the villains feel a little like precursors for the threequel, but it's a great gritty ride thru Bond's darker side. Shake yourself a martini or four and enjoy.

Muppets Take Manhattan

The Muppets took over the Today show this morning, locking the hosts out of the studio and replacing them with Muppetized versions – to the confusion of guests Christopher Meloni and Harry Connick, Jr. 'Twas all good (albeit slightly forced) fun, until it came time to promote what they were there to sell – the Make-Your-Own Muppet "Whatnot" Studio at FAO Schwarz. Not because of the overt product placement, mind you – I work in advertising, so can hardly complain about that. No, what was somewhat unsettling were the Whatnots themselves. Take a look at this clip at about the 3:50 mark...



...and tell me that the Whatnots themselves aren't kinda creepy. Or at least a little sad. The actual idea seems like lotsa fun – pop into the store, make your own Muppet... it's like Mr. Potato Head if you could stick your hand thru a giant hole in his butt.

But the on-air Whatnots? Born bald, blind, deaf and without a sense of smell? Flailing around with nothing but a simple meathole in their poor blank faces? And naked as a jaybird (if jaybirds were made out of multicolored felt and came with the aforementioned hand hole)? My heart goes out the the Whatnots – please, PLEASE, Manhattanites and tourists... rush in to their store and buy out the Muppets! Equip them with eyes, ears, maybe even some hair! Give them a life worth living – one filled with color, sound and adventure... at least until your kid gets bored and it ends up on ebay.

(Prolly don't) Try the veal

Looking at Obama's first news conference as President-Elect from an entertainment point of view, it seems like we might be in for a few genuine laughs, as opposed to the sneering asides of a frat boy who thinks he's funny.

Tip your waitresses people, he'll be here all week – and hopefully the next 415.